Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.

   I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.

   I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Landline !

   Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The 'iOpener'

   Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire

   says that boot, iron and wheelbarrow were voted as bottom 3 Monopoly piece finalists and in an old fashioned game of rock-paper-scissors, wheelbarrow attempted to cart boot off, but in the end it was iron receiving the boot in a hotly contested match.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   unequivocally denies visiting an anti-aging clinic in Miami in order to receive performance-enhancing PEDS to do his daily status updates. Any claims to the contrary are baseless and are coming out of left field.

   Spooning...the precursor to forking.

   What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming

   I dropped my laptop off a boat the other day. It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

   why the s hitty, blurry picture? Take another one! It's not like it took 3 days to get them developed...

   Just once I wish my iPhone would interfere with the airplane's navigation equipment and we would land in California instead of Detroit....

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Every time I see birds walking I'm like "YOU CAN FLY WHY ARE YOU WALKING" and then I run them over.

   How can I trust you when you keep trying to run away every time I untie you.

   Yo, be careful saying "elephant in the room", I'm from Africa and that just scared the s h I t out of me.

   If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees