Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe the smoke coming out of that Vatican chimney while they decide on a pope is all of them smoking fatties til they can come to an agreement.

   Playing the "hey, what's in that bulging tupperware bowl" game never ends well.

   It's been over a year since I found anything to steal here. If nobody else is gonna say it I will. R I P FSM. I'd type the whole name of the page but we're not allowed smh...

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles..... After all,, You know what they say about old habits.

   The Catholic Church is in shock over something that hasn't occurred since 1415 AD. It ran out of mix for its annual Pancake Breakfast.

   "This is America. We don't stop doing something 'cause it's wrong. We just keep doing it til it's right." - Ed Wuncler (The Boondocks)

   Shout out to all the KKK members who have a birthday in Black History month and a birthday on the same day as MLK.

   Ok now seriously somebody should reeally! 'engineer the electricals' now!

   You can tell the Pope is a typical Man... He decided to break up a relationship with God just before Valentines Day, just so that he doesn't have to give a gift!!!

   Taylor Swift chases more balls than a puppy.

   I have a bad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.

   Somebody needs to tell Ann Coulter that a shi!tload of makeup can't disguise her stupidity.

   Quick! When the hunky bartender gets the security guard and points at you; that means he's interested right? I think I’m going to drink for free the rest of the night...

   Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?

   im not lazy...my body is just an environmentalist that likes to conserve energy

   why do people say something is to die for? If you die, you can't eat it...

   I was gonna try the whole vegan thing once, but I didn't really want to commit myself to telling everyone about it.

   Some of you make me wonder when the psych ward got Internet access.

   I over-exercised and dieted beyond what was healthy. It got so bad I had to check myself into reflab.

   I am pleased to announce that I hired Helen Waite to handle the issuance of all apologies on my behalf. So from now on, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helen Waite for it..