Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   JUST ANNOUNCED: The Pope is resigning at the end of the month. Sounds a little Joe Paterno-ish to me.

   Chocolate contains 'phenylethylamine'. That's the same natural chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. And you wonder why women like chocolate.

   JT doesn't stand for Justin Timberlake...but for JUST TIRED

   i've been looking for the key to happiness....apparently it isnt on my keyboard or my phone

   My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

   im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work

   Damn, You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   LAPD are looking for a black guy who shot some people. so far, they have 3 million suspects...

   I came across a show called "It's Me or the Dog"......I gotta say that I was immensely disappointed when I found that it wasn't a game show where people had to guess who farted...

   There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.

   Hey, Windows 8..... YOU SUCK... I should have bought a Mac...

   Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock.

   I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.

   Nothing’s forever. Forever’s a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.

   Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.

   John Mayer is wearing a sofa from 1972.

   Glad the Kool Aid Man won a Grammy! Ohhhh that was Adele

   To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand. Unrelated, never trust a fart.

   I’m drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”

   Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.