Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!

   Some people mistake kindness as an invitation to suck the goddamn life right out of ya.

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.

   I just pooped at my girlfriend's house for the first time, and now I'm single again.

   Sometimes I confuse sex with bull riding because my goal for both is to stay on for 8 seconds.

   I submitted my photo into one of those "Which Celebrity Do You Most Closely Resemble" apps. It compared me to Patrick from SpongeBob.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   a woman is driving one day and accidentally rear ends the car in front of her. when the other driver gets out she discovers he is a midget. he is clearly upset and says "i'm not happy". she replies "then which one are you?

   When I was kid they had a cure for ADHD... It was called a Good @ss Whoopin.

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   Alberto Morales found out the hard way that you, "Don't mess with Texas!"

   I know you didn't intentionally send me all those game requests, much in the same way I didn't intentionally b@sh in your $kull for sending them.

   A woman's broken heart can be glued together with molten chocolate.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"