Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mindy Mccready committed suicide, your move Justin Beiber!

   To this day I still get freaked out by the Swedish Chef's hands

   I need to scratch my balls but can't find my wife's purse...

   I don't always poop in a bag but when I do I prefer Carnival!

   Nothing makes a roaring fire cozier than sitting on the neighbor's front lawn under an emergency blanket.

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   The most used sexual position for married couples is DOGGY STYLE. The husband sits and begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead!

   Okay, so maybe practicing hypnotism in front of the mirror wasn't the smartest idea..

   I love make up sex. Especially with Katy Perry. I make up sex with her all the time.

   lways be yourself, unless you're that guy. Don't be that guy.

   Once upon a midday dreary, While I plotted my next mealy, Came an empty rap-rap-rapping at my cupboard door. Quoth the Ramen, “Ever poor.”

   A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

   Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.

   If I pause my p orn to text you back, marry me.

   Today's Subway Special: The Triumph Carnival Cruise sandwich, This sandwich is served on 4 day-old Ammonia bread, with a scraps of room temperature tuna and onion, room temperature Mayonnaise, pieces of cucumber, and cheese.

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   Don't listen to your heart. It has no idea what's good for you.

   I'm at my neighbor's house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

   Don't you find it suspicious that success and myself are never in the same place at the same time?