Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I assume Cupid saw his shadow this year...

   For those of you who can't be with the one you love because she doesn't understand that you're destined to be together, Happy Restraining Order Day!

   Im designing a New perfume for all the girls who forgot to shave, It's called "Forever Alone"......... It smells like a Cruise ship on fire at sea!

   Happy Valentines day!! Or as I like to call it, Thursday

   Thinks Oscar Pistorius killed his girlfriend because she didn't like him. She was 'lack-toes' intolerant.

   Wife asked me what I wanted for Valentines, I pointed to my head and asked her to read my mind... That was the last thing I remember before I woke up on the floor... She is good!!

   Soon on eBay: For sale, one soiled cruise ship. Will consider any offers

   May your valentine's day be full of all the sinful things people give up for Lent!!

   If you think you're gonna get $5000 by sharing a photoshopped photo of Bill Gates you might also want to send me your bank account username and password.

   How Do People Know Dinosaurs Roared If Nobody Ever Heard One?!,...Maybe, They Meowed

   Roses are red, violets are blue, if you piss me off, your balls will be, too.

   I can't believe I've been walking around all day with this massive heart on

   Just found out my attic is full of cotton candy!!!

   Steve Martin's kid was born in December Idiot

   Thank you, flowers, for being the perfect way to say, "My love for you is beautiful but will die very soon."

   Happy Mushy Card Nasty Candy in a Heart Shaped Box Big Balloon That Barely Fits in Your Car And You Can't See to Back Up $75 Roses That Can be Bought Tomorrow for $20 but Must be Sent to "Prove" Your Love Stand In Line for Two Hours to Eat Day.

   Please stop saying "My Valentine is my child." or "Jesus is my Valentine." Unfortunately, they don't count as real Valentine's.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.

   Today, people that say "liberry" ,"Jewelerry","supposably" and the Incredible"Hawk", get to celebrate "Valentimes" Day.

   Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.