Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She is not crazy, she is female.

   I guess some people are the salt of the earth and others are the wounds.

   I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

   I "Country Music" hate you.

   If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.

   If you're crazy and you know it, shake your meds.

   Happy Birthday 21st Amendment

   I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.

   Everyone becomes an air drumming master 3 minutes and 40 seconds into Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight".

   If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.

   In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

   While others prefer to pop wine bottles and champagne, I just prefer to pop corn.

   I’ll bet you all the money in my savings account that I’m broke.

   I'm not a "stalker". I want to make sure you're okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.

   I really hope Chris Brown dates Justin Bieber

   It. There, I said it.

   Nobody gets out of the car until Phil Collins is done singing. It's the law, kids.

   Ice cream just seems to taste better with tears.

   Take that ZULU nonsense and shove it up your ass!

   Sometimes in life all you need is a Wi-Fi, an iMac and a cup of coffee.