Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   There's nothing hotter than a f@t girl in stockings. Not appearance wise, I'm talking temperature.

   This electronic cigarette claims to contain no smoke, only water vapor. So apparently the best way to quick smoking is to slowing drown yourself.

   Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   FACT: One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

   When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."

   Say no to drugs and anyone who ask you if you talk to objects

   In Miami: We had a great winter season lastnight, can't wait 'til next year.

   If you want something be misunderstood, post on Internet.

   I saw a flying saucer today. It appeared out of nowhere followed right after by the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance.

   giving away FREE Donkey Punches!

   theres the old saying "you are what you eat"....glad I'm not in Britian eating horse's ass

   Tig Olbitties would make a good stripper name!!

   How do people know Dinosaurs roared if nobody ever heard them do it?! ...Maybe, They Meowed

   Like for impeachment

   no one looks back on there lifes and remember the nights they got plenty of sleep.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for lent.

   Abercrombie clothes are NOT meant to be worn by fat people, Just sayin'