Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active

   Oww a dorito just stabbed the roof of my mouth...how could something I love so much hurt me like this.

   I simply purposed that we have Another one Bites the Dust playin as customers come in to purchase their headstones, I didn't think she would fire me and insist I seek mental help...

   A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.

   Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait no, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   Coffee to me is what a wand is to Harry Potter.

   Ladies if you have a daughter she will learn and emulate your behaviours so tone down the b itchy attitude and try a little graciousness

   If I swallow magnets will I be attractive?

   I’m not ignoring you if you don’t exist to me.

   The smartest place to stand when pointing fingers is usually in front of a mirror.

   I was having a good day until I ran into an idiot. These things are everywhere, there is no avoiding them.

   I can honestly say my biggest accomplishment today was making it all the way home and still having half the fries left in my McDonalds bag

   I pride myself on helping others get thru stressful times, but honestly, that plumber acted like he didn't enjoy the back-rub I gave him...

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!

   Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself

   "You should go to church".... "Sunday is a day of rest"..... Well which is it? Make up your damn mind!

   I don't know much about the history of war, but Iwo Jima taught me one thing. those flags were really heavy back then.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.