Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.

   Ugh, the most annoying family just sat next to me on this plane. I live with them and now I have to sit with them for 5 hours?

   It's always funny until it happens to you.

   Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.

   I need two lives. One to do the things right and another to be myself.

   either I'm not feeling to well or I just sat on a whoopie cushion full of beef gravy!

   Chicken pot pie. My 3 favorite things

   Dont even look up to me for help. I make a bad situation even worse.

   Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.

   According to my wife's calculations, I haven't been right in 12 years.

   I trick girls into 69 by giving them upside down hugs.

   The closest I come to beastiality is grabbing a ponytail.

   Wow you're having a baby? Congratulations! ...One second I'll be right back, I'm just going to take my birth control.

   I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .

   Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.

   A good sense of humor is the vaccine against lifes troubles.

   Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?

   Kim Kardashian Says She Would Like To Have Sex With Herself …To Know What It Feels Like! Guess that means that after Kanye West Noone wants to touch her.

   Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.