Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone becomes an air drumming master 3 minutes and 40 seconds into Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight".

   If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.

   In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

   While others prefer to pop wine bottles and champagne, I just prefer to pop corn.

   I’ll bet you all the money in my savings account that I’m broke.

   I'm not a "stalker". I want to make sure you're okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.

   I really hope Chris Brown dates Justin Bieber

   It. There, I said it.

   Nobody gets out of the car until Phil Collins is done singing. It's the law, kids.

   Ice cream just seems to taste better with tears.

   Take that ZULU nonsense and shove it up your ass!

   Sometimes in life all you need is a Wi-Fi, an iMac and a cup of coffee.

   Tried the Harlem Shuffle, Gangnam style... I may have snapped a hip.

   I will fight tooth and nail to get every hair off the bar of soap before it touchs my body

   Parker Brothers has replaced the Iron game piece in Monopoly with a cat. In response, Mattel has replaced the word "Yes" in the Magic 8 Ball with "Fo Shizzle!"

   If you need space - join 'NASA' Baby! XD

   What if Earth is just the insane asylum for the universe?

   I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I'm feeling pretty awesome!!

   congratulations danica patrick and jeff gordon... daytona 500's first all female front row...

   again......Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.