Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   My signature move is learning the hard way.

   The Defense in this women's football team looks like it has a lot of holes to fill.

   Loneliness can make you do some strange people.

   Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer.

   I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.

   It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.

   Want to be a rebel? THINK.

   Some people need to write a book, rather then tell Facebook.

   How long before the Karoke version of Lady Antebellum's "Need you now" hits bars and taverns. I can just imagine drunks trying to sing it now, "It's a quart... quarter after, uh one, I'm a... I'm a little drunk, and... and I need... you now."

   I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.

   From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life

   Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together

   Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his f**king girlfriend

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   Facebook, cos nothing reassures yourself more than seeing how the other half live

   To stay competitive with Burger King and Ikea, Subway announces the new $5 Furlong...

   I bought a dishwasher from a guy in Croydon off e-Bay, now I have a 14 yr old girl with a speech impediment, eating all of my mustard.

   Off to IKEA to shop, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/