Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am really surprised that there are not more women race car drivers! Women drive all over town like race car drivers!

   Accidentally bought Nascar Oreos...Now I feel like White Trash

   Poor people never, or hardly ever, ask for an explanation of all they have to put up with. They hate one another, and content themselves with that.

   I guess there's some kind of driving contest going on in Florida...

   What ship has never docked in Liverpool???? The premiership :) :) :)) :) :))) :)

   Danica Patrick's dad is probably the first father in history that's happy to see his daughter on the pole.

   I kinda miss theysayimspecial... He reminded me how much I hate to slam my finger in doors! A

   I'm sorry... But I would kick that Waldo's ass in Hide and Go Seek!

   Cat + Laser = Loss of bladder control

   What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.

   The Daytona 500 is today. In related news, I'll be watching mold grow on some bread.

   a dentist and a manicurist had a fight. it was quite a battle,in fact they fought tooth and nail.

   That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome

   The wife thought she was having her first hot flash but it turns out that it was just her boob in her cup of tea.

   First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!

   Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: No. I just lay there.

   My doctor asked for a stool, a urine, a blood, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..

   Dammit doc... Go ahead, add another mental condition on to the list... I'm sure my liver is excited to find out about all the new meds I'm gonna get..

   Should it bother me how happy my husband gets after my meds kicks in? I actually hear him thankin god for psycho pills!