Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Free, 5 foot of snow....you pick up and haul (from my drive) First 10 people get a free glass of ice water with it.....limited supply so hurry fast.

   The say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of Vodka and saw the wall movie by itself

   Please ignore this status. I'm standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I'm making it look like I'm texting.

   wine is the wrath of grapes.

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...

   i keep getting all these popups...if this lasts 4 hours, I'm gonna have to visit WebMD

   FYI Atheist do not have to thank anyone for Friday because Friday is a free natural phenomenon.

   I’m beginning to get disillusioned....the scotch tape doesn’t taste like scotch...there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken and this avocado exfoliating mask tastes like crap in the guacamole I just made.....I guess I’ll go try some hash browns....

   If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st?

   My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

   Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…

   My clothes are so old they were made in the U.S.A.

   Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.

   Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

   My “we had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   I’ve been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then when they mess up I will just hit them all at once.