Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.

   I miss you like The Biggest Loser contestants miss high fructose corn syrup.

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

   Most of troubles and hate games in the world is made by ugly insecure people.

   If I offend anybody tonight I apologize in advance, it's not my intention. I'm not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time, it's how I know I still have one...

   Just saw my ex with her new man and had to smile because I KNOW there's not a place on her he can kiss that hasn't been coated by my man gravy. :)

   Who says chivalry is dead? Last night, my wife was too sick for sex so I just settled for a BJ...

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sandwiches.

   Dear rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your music. When I'm driving it scares the crap out of me.

   Somebody needs to plug an electric guitar into a 100 watt amplifier, and fix this cr@p that's trying to pass itself off as music nowadays.

   I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.

   If marriage has taught me anything it's that there is no shortage of por n on the Internet.

   Keep your fancy milkshake and a yard, my chloroform and a dark basement are way more efficient.

   Apparently drinking those Screwdrivers last night didn’t tighten any of the loose screws in my head

   Let’s argue about the little things that don’t matter so we can avoid the big things that do.

   Why are you all so excited it's Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.

   Ladies, check your man's balls for lumps...you could save a life.

   I just assume that everything in a gas station bathroom is coated in a thin layer of HIV.

   I bet Alicia Keys was never even on Fire. Lying Heifer.

   Since they never showed Cheetara licking her a sshole, I highly doubt she was 100% Thundercat.