Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You should go to church".... "Sunday is a day of rest"..... Well which is it? Make up your damn mind!

   I don't know much about the history of war, but Iwo Jima taught me one thing. those flags were really heavy back then.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?

   I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".

   I would NOT have done well in the military. I’d always be saying things like “SIR LET’S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE SIR!!!”

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

   Kristen Stewart has the expression of a brick wall.

   My theory is that Twilight was seen by only ten people who each watched it four million times.

   Why can't the devil just swallow his pride and beg GOD 4 forgiveness so we can all go back to the Garden of Eden & live happily NAKED.

   MC Hammer arrested. STOP..... Slammer Time

   why do ppl say they are "under the weather"?....unless ur an astronaut, were all under the weather

   Hate watching Katt Williams on Comedy Central. All you hear is, "I *bleep* that *bleep* so hard that *bleep* got *bleep* up *bleep bleep bleepity bleep blap*." Just shouldn't play Katt on a censored station.

   Fighting on the internet is like the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded.

   Why do they still print the phonebook? "Gee, thanks. Here's a large printed portion of the internet for me to throw away."

   Facebook: where all your stupid questions can be answered by stupider people.

   NASCAR tickets: $240 Parking: $12 Refreshments: $80 Being in the front row and getting to take home a piece of the car. (imbedded in your spleen): PRICELESS

   Good friends happen to good friends.

   I'd say good morning but its clearly afternoon. Rough night.