Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..

   Dammit doc... Go ahead, add another mental condition on to the list... I'm sure my liver is excited to find out about all the new meds I'm gonna get..

   Should it bother me how happy my husband gets after my meds kicks in? I actually hear him thankin god for psycho pills!

   doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active

   Oww a dorito just stabbed the roof of my mouth...how could something I love so much hurt me like this.

   I simply purposed that we have Another one Bites the Dust playin as customers come in to purchase their headstones, I didn't think she would fire me and insist I seek mental help...

   A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.

   Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait no, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   Coffee to me is what a wand is to Harry Potter.

   Ladies if you have a daughter she will learn and emulate your behaviours so tone down the b itchy attitude and try a little graciousness

   If I swallow magnets will I be attractive?

   I’m not ignoring you if you don’t exist to me.

   The smartest place to stand when pointing fingers is usually in front of a mirror.

   I was having a good day until I ran into an idiot. These things are everywhere, there is no avoiding them.

   I can honestly say my biggest accomplishment today was making it all the way home and still having half the fries left in my McDonalds bag

   I pride myself on helping others get thru stressful times, but honestly, that plumber acted like he didn't enjoy the back-rub I gave him...

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!

   Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself