Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Michelle Obama presenting best picture? This is really just a long live-action episode of Family Guy isn't it?

   I want what ever Kristen Stewart is on!! She is anywhere but at the freakin Oscars!!!

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies

   Renee Zellweger and Kristen Stewart, drunk or high?

   My relationship with my first wife was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.....

   Adele looks like a charcoal briquette

   Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

   Sorry Oscar, I had a date with Glenn and Rick and Daryl and Herschel

   The Daytona 500 is over. And so we wait for its return much in the same manner we do all once a year occurrences...like the Flu and the April 15th tax deadline.

   How have no liquor companies advertised during the Oscars? That's what's keeping us all going!

   Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door..... But his girlfriend was dead against it

   Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don't want to attract any attention.

   I have laughed more in the first 30 mins of the 2013 Oscars than all others combined!

   at breakfast this morning, my girlfriend ordered toast instead of biscuits and gravy. I don’t see this working out…

   I hope the actresses who takes the Oscar home tonight will be wearing a bullet proof vest & does not intend to use the bathroom at night, we are not ready for a sequel yet.

   Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?

   You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?

   Taylor Swift and John Mayer probably broke up because her body was NOT a wonderland…

   When a skinny girl always says "I'm fat" do you ever feel like saying you're skinny and you know it but your insecurity is not attractive so a fat girl with confidence makes you look unappealing, so start eating!!

   The fact that Danica Patrick finished 8th, and is the most talked about driver in the Daytona 500 proves that no one actually cares about this silly non-sport.