Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off and a priest sucks them off.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.

   What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

   How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for fresh prints.

   I don't cuddle after sex because cuddling strangers is gross.

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

   What do ducks smoke? Quack.

   Cats are pet tigers for midgets.

   if you still don't think money doesn't matter, name the last rich person we deported...

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   I’m not ugly. You’re just not drunk enough.

   I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Praying she doesn't pick me out of this police lineup.

   You inspire my inner serial killer.

   Harlem Shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   if your profile picture is of your dogs, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're fugly...

   After a good night of sleep, my fave word to wake up to in the morning is.........."TAMALES!"

   You're either a Vatican, or a Vatican't

   I am going into my sequester bunker now, someone call me when this nightmare is over! I am terrified......