Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a really small dog that took really big poops, I'm pretty sure I would name him Deuce ツ

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   Got fired on my first day as a Male Masseuse.... Apparently, the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

   The Queen just got out of the hospital from a gastroenterits.. I call it : "The Royal Flush"!

   I don't have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I'll be celebrating that tonite.

   I want to know who Jimmy Fallon blew to get his late night TV show.

   Guys - A few words of wisdom...when a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't want to hear your "actual" opinion, she simply wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

   If we really are living in a computer simulation, it wasn't very bright of the simulators to let us find out about it.

   Did I already do my deja vu joke?

   it me, or Monday comes around and your sleepy throughout most of the workday, but after what feels like 5-hours in rushhour traffic, you have enough energy for a Party with free drinks?

   A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

   I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

   has discovered that telling a girl you don't have any sores isn't the best way to get her to kiss you.

   you know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.

   Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.

   I lost my mood ring and now I don’t know how I feel about that.

   If a dog gave birth to puppies near the road can it be cited for littering ?

   i broke 2 mirrors in the same day, so i'm going to assume it's good luck because two negatives make a positive, right?

   Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.