Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being swallowed by a sinkhole is a bad way to start the day. At least he gets to avoid the sequester...

   One of my buddies is a teacher in a primarily black neighbourhood. Yesterday he asked his young class what sound a pig makes? One kid says "Freeze, It's the police"! Kids say the darndest things!

   Dad when I grow up I want a twitter account…I’m sorry son you can’t do both…

   Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...

   I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

   Me: Here you go officer. Cop: This is a notecard with “License thingie” written on it in red crayon. Me: I have one in blue if you prefer.

   I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.

   Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor.

   Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!

   Seeing a unicorn would be incredible and all, until you realize a wild animal with a spike on its head tends to enjoy spearing things to death.

   people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long

   By ignoring me, you have just made yourself a powerful stalker!

   Girls with big boobs never have to worry about having spinach stuck in their teeth.

   For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite

   Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.

   Nothing says "Virgin" like having a score of above a million on temple run.