Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Romney or Obama....Romney or Obama. I'm just now getting the chance to vote. I LOVE living in Florida.

   Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

   Anyone else think instagram will change its business model and become the cocaine delivery service we all first thought it was?

   All my favorite youth rebellion songs are written by old millionaires.

   knows a relationship is going well when she feels comfortable taking a crap at his place.

   today Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)....is it still legal to tell my gf to make me a sandwich?

   Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks cuz I had an awesome hiding spot!!!

   I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

   You're 15... You should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.

   90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you're telling me mermaids don't exist?

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!

   I'd bet any of you good money that there's a woman mad at you right now and you have absolutely no idea why.

   What's brown and rhymes with snoop?.......................Dr Dre.

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.

   There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.

   Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.