Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   . I'm going to start an exercise class that mixes religion into the experience. I'll call it...Pontius Pilates. (insert Dr. Evil pinky in corner of mouth move here)

   Whenever I see a big guy beating up a little guy I ALWAYS jump in to help cause there is NO WAY the little guy can take us both.

   wearing Hugo cologne today like a boss.

   Moving-on is like drinking a cough syrup, it tastes horrible but it's good for you.

   THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS THAT -fools are always so certain of themselves and wiserpeople so full of doubts

   While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at thecovered places.

   I never drink, I only disinfect internal injuries.

   To the douchebag who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel, remember what goes around comes around....

   Be beautiful on the inside.....eat more glitter!!

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   paul bearer has sadly passed away, the undertaker will be handling the funeral arrangements

   Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.

   gets the feeling that I need coffee more than coffee will ever need me.

   Do you think in China the forklifts are called chopstick lifts?

   Seemed to cruel to get my dog fixed. So instead I got him a really crappy haircut. And now he can't even get a date.

   The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me

   FACT: With the exact same amount of $ the government spends to buy the Army an attack helicopter they could buy ME an attack helicopter

   I just got done doing 5 sets of diddly squats.

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?