Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ignoring me is not a punishment. If you want to punish me, tell me about your day. And withhold the booze.

   Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?

   If you play dumb to attract men, ask yourself why you want a man that likes dumb women.

   Kidnapping? Such a harsh word. I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   FYI - Remember to set your clocks forward an hour this weekend because we can only afford 23 hours a day now due to the sequester......

   North Korea has made good on their threat to send a Nuclear Warhead to the Capitol of the United States !!!!! It was sent via UPS Next Day Air and should arrive by Saturday morning.

   Cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it!

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready. :o\

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.

   I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...

   So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....

   International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…

   Knowing its International Women’s Day is the only thing I know about women.

   I'm so selfish for complaining about being sick with the flu for 5 days now. Just saw Justin Bieber collapsed. Horrifying...

   Oh Yeah we do it on the bed, on the couch, in the bathroom, standing up, and even in the car! Yep We Loooovvveee to Text!:)

   What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   Looks like I got 2 more of those pesky drones last night in the bug whacker.....