Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I find out that my soulmate is dead, I’m going to be pissed off that I didn’t have a chance to be the reason she drank herself to death.

   The worst thing about taking naps is you expect to wake up afterwards feeling well-rested but instead you wake up feeling like you died and you forget who and where you are.

   this Mexican guy asked me if I'd seen his beach but we're 300 miles from the ocean...

   Remember it's Sunday. No clever, sarcastic, or intellectual humor. The mouth breathers won't "get" them.

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   No one is more cherished in this world than someone who lightens the burden of another.

   MARY was handpicked by God to bear his son, MOSES was handpicked by God to bring the Israelites out of Egypt, NOAH was personally asked by god to build the ark, but the POPE is chosen by ballot box. One of these people is an impostor.

   Happy Mothers day to a mom who should have been an air traffic controller... ...I was grounded so often!

   Elections show how desperate human beings are to be led by douchebags called politicians.

   you see, one minute is 1:59 the next is 3:00 a.m., ugh!

   yep, they started smoking at the Vatican.

   what time do they drop the ball to set our clocks ahead?

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish. . .

   I know someone, who knows someone else, who just happens to know someone. . .

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, that biotch still owes me money from when I was 6.

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast..

   If chics would wear slut rings instead of mood rings it sure would save a lot of time.

   Daylight Savings Time means I’ll be hungover one hour less than usual this Sunday.

   Well, today I found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on.....not sure which one.