Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.

   Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.

   I will not call what we have a relationship. I prefer the term "unholy alliance."

   I hate when a rap song comes on and I'm white.

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   What doesn't kill you makes you want to go back to him for more.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   Got kicked outta hospital,the 'stroke patients here' means something completely different.....xXx

   My signature sex move is paying upfront.

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

   I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone.

   It's like the uglier a person is, the more pics they wanna post all over their FB wall.

   I would hold your baby, but I'm grossed out because I know where it came from.

   The couch just proposed to my buttocks.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.