Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back but when you're with them they always have their phone in their hand texting.

   "Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.

   They say it's not the about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean? BS... I've NEVER seen a small ship make big waves!!

   Woke up this morning from a dream I was flying. Late to work kind of wished that whole flying thing was true

   what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?? A WIDOW!!

   BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever

   If your going to Facebook stalk me please have the decency to comment or like things form time to time..... I mean really, whats the good of having a stalker if you don't know your being stalked in the first place!

   When I was a kid we were so poor. We couldn't afford Easter eggs so my mom would hide her ben-wa balls in the yard instead. And if we didn't find them all she would be really mad.

   I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   He was a good dog. He was a smart, very good boy. Who was a good dog? Who's a hansome, good boy? Was it you? Yes it was..—---Dog obituary

   I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...

   I'll have a little of whatever God was on when he invented seahorses please.

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   Ignoring me is not a punishment. If you want to punish me, tell me about your day. And withhold the booze.

   Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?

   If you play dumb to attract men, ask yourself why you want a man that likes dumb women.

   Kidnapping? Such a harsh word. I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.