Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   What I lack in sleep, I make up for in blank stares.

   My doctor said, "This is going to sting a little," and then proceeded to say, "I've unfriended you on Facebook."

   Irish I was drunk already ツ

   If you’re depressed and hate your life just remember you’re not alone. We all hate your life too.

   Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! The day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except the Irish... they pretend they're sober.

   "North Korea... I promise you boo boo, we will smack the sh*t out you" - Kevin Hart voice

   By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself to be a fashion plate of any kind, yet I do have the good sense to not have anything green in my wardrobe.

   i hope my mom isn't making corned beef and cabbage today.. that stuff smells and tastes like sh*t

   You're Now Aware That You Can't Say.. "IRISH WRISTWATCH"

   There are no winners when corned beef and cabbage farts are involved.

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...

   I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I'm going to haunt grows everyday.

   WWE: 2 people fighting over a belt even though neither of them is wearing pants.

   I know its St Patricks Day but...No green beer for me..I like my beer Yellow ..goin in and coming out!!!