Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

   Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

   Dear Kids, go to College…it’s the only time it’s acceptable to be drunk and poor.

   If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.

   At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.

   Okay so, last Sunday we all lost an hour. This Sunday, we should all watch NASCAR and lose four.

   Lil Wayne.... Yeah.... Gonna miss ya. Too bad you can't take Bieber with you. Drugs are bad.... Mmmmkay.

   These celebrity deaths happen in threes.... First Lil Wayne.... And we got Obama and Biden flying out of the country on Tuesday..... Cross your fingers guys.

   Waiting for Kanye to jump into the ICU and tell Lil Wayne that his death is tragic.... But Tupac had the best rap death of all time.

   I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.

   Lil Wayne looks like he's going to die due to a codeine binge. Now someone say something funny about it! =)

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"

   In "Hipster Jeopardy", all contestants must phrase their responses in the form of irony.

   Dennis rodman is the Jane Fonda of this generation

   Ah yes, Friday. Wha...What was that? Saw it out of the corner of my eye. There, behind the...I just saw it duck down. There it is again disappearing just as I almost get a glimpse of it. MONDAY! I KNOW IT'S YOU, YOU BA$TARD!

   I'm really lucky that I was born on my birthday.

   I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.

   thank goodness for sky plus, now when I watch Comic Relief - I really can go "shut up and die quickly" every time I fast forward