Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish that talking ferret from my dream was real. He was a right laugh

   Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."

   FACEBOOK – A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.

   The difference between "single" and "alone" is cats.

   There should be a Fresh Prince reunion where Will Smith plays himself and rest of them are unemployed.

   You have to personally know a moron to fully appreciate the meaning of the word ‘moron’. A mere dictionary won't do.

   I am doing an all day binger at Wendy's for St. Fatty's Day

   When you are talking to yourself, if you are polite about it, people won't think you're crazy.

   Chic-fill-a really does descriminate against gays. Their ketchup packets were super hard for me to open.

   St Patrick's day: A day the Irish celebrate their rich heritage by acting like a bunch of Puerto Ricans.

   Part of my workout routine is that I always get hammered before I go jogging...... That way I never go jogging.

   Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights

   If at first you don't succeed, then you ain't me mot her fu cker.

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   I'm going to drink so much that I find that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

   If nobody is talking about you, you must not be a very interesting person.

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings..

   If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

   I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.