Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button? Who watches porn and thinks, "You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends."

   I hate when I get drunk and start bidding on e-bay

   Motivating my office co-workers is like hammering square pegs into unwilling sphincters

   Got kicked out of another restaurant this afternoon for breast feeding. Hey - when my husband wants titty, he wants titty.....

   I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the "Sweet & Sour Soup"

   I've had six husbands. Seven if I count my own.

   How the Syfy channel comes up with movie ideas: 1. Think of an animal or insect. 2. Make it 50 ft tall. 3. Eat a burrito.

   Life just handed me Lemon Pledge, I guess it wants me to dust.

   I think the phrase "there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide" originated from someone who farted in the shower.

   It's all sh*ts n' giggles, until somebody giggles and sh*ts! :-O

   If everyone has a crack in their a$$, why are so many still full of $hit?

   You can have anything you want, if you lower your expectations enough.

   What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.

   you don't have to say everything you think

   Sometimes a long distance relationship just means opposite ends of the couch.

   I have an eating disorder. I'm eating DIS order of wings, DIS order of pizza, and DIS order of ice cream.

   Nothing screams 'America' like taking the elevator in a two-story building