Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   What I lack in sleep, I make up for in blank stares.

   My doctor said, "This is going to sting a little," and then proceeded to say, "I've unfriended you on Facebook."

   Irish I was drunk already ツ

   If you’re depressed and hate your life just remember you’re not alone. We all hate your life too.

   Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! The day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except the Irish... they pretend they're sober.

   "North Korea... I promise you boo boo, we will smack the sh*t out you" - Kevin Hart voice

   By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself to be a fashion plate of any kind, yet I do have the good sense to not have anything green in my wardrobe.

   i hope my mom isn't making corned beef and cabbage today.. that stuff smells and tastes like sh*t

   You're Now Aware That You Can't Say.. "IRISH WRISTWATCH"

   There are no winners when corned beef and cabbage farts are involved.

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...

   I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I'm going to haunt grows everyday.

   WWE: 2 people fighting over a belt even though neither of them is wearing pants.

   I know its St Patricks Day but...No green beer for me..I like my beer Yellow ..goin in and coming out!!!

   If anybodys looking for me i'll be in Southie lookin for Erin's Gold Bra. Happy St Patricks Day

   I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep, that's the one", I said.

   Dear Eminem, Not only did yousteal our name but we're both black on theinside too. Sincerly, M&M'S

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things...