Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I opened up Microsoft Word, sneezed all over my keyboard, I accidently made a Honey Boo Boo reality show script.

   Telling an atheist to respect your religion is like telling a black person to respect the KKK.

   It's mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too... How do you expect him to Instargram the food?

   I've never been that "Super Thug gangsta, keep going to jail type of black guy" I'm more of a "keep a steady job, continue college, love God and my country type of black guy" regardless I still love fried chicken and watermelon.. keep it real my friends

   The worst part about banging a chinese women is half hour later you want to bang another ..

   How come us regular folks don't have that luxury of choosing how we should be punished for our crimes like Lindsay Logan??

   Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. I got you a Justin Bieber CD.

   I think I'm emotionally constipated cuz I haven't been given a SHhhhit in days!

   I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour De France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

   So I just Googled the Ten Commandments.... Wow, I am so screwed......

   Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...

   When I was 7 I saw a sign that said "ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES" and I thought...That's s huge amount of pressure to put on one kid

   If you want something to be misunderstood, post it on Internet.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

   Dennis Rodman now has more international relations experience than most of Congress. Let that sink in for a minute.

   The adventures of 'mom isn't home'... Today boys and girls, we learned what it feels like to stick your tongue into the vacuum cleaner hose...my 4 year old will never be the same...

   Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you....I got you a Carnival Cruise ticket

   I've always been told to dress for the job you want. I love my cape

   A hard-0n doesn't count as personal growth.

   I'd never tell anyone to go to hell, but I might suggest a Carnival Cruise....