Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GREAT!! now everytime I see someone on tv trying to save someone elses life. all I'm gonna hear in my head is "Staying Alive"

   I wonder if the new popemobile will be a low rider??

   Lost in all this marriage debate are the Tranny's. Who can they marry, either sex or neither sex??

   I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

   Why does everything at my house involve a battery that needs charging?

   When I diet, I lose weight in my face and middle first. So basically after a month or so, the only thing people see are my arms, legs, and moobs.

   I donated blood today. Now I can be secure in the knowledge that somewhere, some fortunate person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to dance badly, sing off key loudly, and giggle a lot as they walk into things. And a hangover.

   Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don't want to see naked. . .

   99% of my wardrobe consists of T shirts. This of course got me to thinking....aren't ALL shirts T's? Anyone out there who doesn't have a bilateral symmetry form and is instead shaped like a "W"?

   I want to walk up to your dad, kick him square in the nuts and ask him WHY.

   I got kicked out of the supermarket for comparing apples and oranges. Manager said "you can't do that cause it would be like co..forget it."

   I believe in love at first sight, and love at last call.

   I used to work for a psychic, and when I quit I didn't have to give two weeks notice.

   The stores are packed with folks gearing up for their Easter fashion shows, the same way they do for Christmas. The central figure for both these holidays was reduced to wearing a loin cloth for one, and swaddling for the other.

   ''The corrupt fear us,the honest support us,the heroic join us.'' - V for vendetta

   Im single by choice. Not 100% my choice, but still a choice!

   My dream job is to be that guy at the mall who plays with those remote controlled helicopters all day.

   I just saw the Easter Bunny buying Easter Grass and Rolling Papers at the corner store.

   Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of martinis as “Plan B”

   I’m having potato salad for lunch. Well, potatoes and olives. Fermented potatoes. I’m having a vodka martini for lunch.