Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for girls night out, my wife takes a hundred dollar bill. For guys night out, I take a hundred dollar bills!

   SITTING at a stop light and had a group of cute ladies stop next to me and wave. I smiled and waved back, only to soon realize they were waving at the guys in the Camero on my right. Felt like high school all over again...

   Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?

   You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.

   You know what really upsets me? When a stranger on the internet isn't satisfied with the entertainment I provide him for free. It hurts. :(

   North Korea chose the right time to declare war on South Korea. With them releasing "Gangnam Style", no one is going to feel sorry for them.

   North Korea is about to do a Harlem Shake on South Korea

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

   There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn't mean I have to like him,

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   I want to be reincarnated as a lesbo. I can still eat p ussy plus I get to hit from the ladies tees!

   (overheard in Horse-ville)....."All in favour of this-here horse for president say Yea"... *silence*.... "All those opposed say Nay"... And that's why Horse-ville has been without a president for over 200 years ..

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   25% vegetarian.

   ᵀʰᵉ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ˢᵉᶰᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ʳᵉᵃᶫᶫʸ ˢᵐᵃᶫᶫ⋅

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   "Im not materialistic or superficial".....says the girl who goes shopping to cheer her up