Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are simply incredible, magnificent, alluring creatures. Why they're all not lesbians is beyond me.

   Today is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. “So it’s like any other day. Right?

   I wish life would use lube before it bends me over.

   I still do nice things for people even though they're a$$holes.. I guess that's my superpower.

   Things may be in a constant state of change, but I don't give a flux.

   Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean.

   If you saunter in front of my car like there's no rush while I politely wait for you, I will continue to wait in quiet rage. Take that!

   I'm concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn't tell everyone on FB how much I love them.

   It's not the followers count that matters, but a few lovely people among those who make it their life to make you felt loved.

   "She's one hot mess" means "She's bat $hit crazy, but I'd do her!"

   The hardest part of being a zombie would be hiding your excitement of being one.

   Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon.

   I won the celebrity death pool today, I had Shain Gandee...

   When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

   The nice thing about hitting a pothole with my truck tire is that it usually changes the order of the dash trouble lights.

   If You Can't Be With The One You Love... Slap The One You're With!

   If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea, besides the destroyer......we've sent the B52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   If that guy loved his horse so much, why'd he sell it to a beer company in the first place?