Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I check your profile once a week to see if you posted a nude. Sue me

   Just ate the last stale peep... :P

   When I see a overly tan guy wearing jorts, I have to wonder if he's still making payments on that Miata.

   I'm hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

   Why are the same people that complain about all the Wal Marts okay with a Starbucks on every block??

   If you controlled them they wouldn't be impulses aymore now would they

   I'm not saying your wife is fat but her best side is cole slaw.

   Relationship status ☐ Seeing someone ☐ Not seeing anyone ☐ Your mother is a wh*re ☑ SHUT THE F&CK UP, I'M WATCHING THE BATMAN TRILOGY!

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   I'm being really funny in real life so I don't have the time to write it all down for you guys

   All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.

   Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.

   Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot a$$holes.

   If we used our words more often for good things, what a wonderful place this could be.

   Not everyone you like will like you back and vice versa. Such is life. Sounding bitter and whiny about it probably won't help your cause.

   You realise Sylvester Stallone is already working up a script for getting a group of prisoners out of post war North Korea

   I'm not really anti abortion, I'm more pro stupid people not having babies...

   If anyone sees my TV remote control can you tell it I simply want to know if it's safe and happy.

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   You don't just spontaneously end up this drunk at this hour. It takes several years of practice.