Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!

   My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"

   I was walking down the road staring at my phone & tripped over a smart car.

   Yeah yeah, I'm a Grammar Nazi. Better than a Dumb Fokker.

   Some of you even make me question my insanity.

   So far I've dropped three ice cubes on the floor today and no idea where they are. Gonna put on some socks so I can find em,

   The best exposure, is indecent.

   Trying to fight my way out of a paper bag. Gonna make it best two out of three.

   Day old pizza that's been sitting out for a day? *shrugs* *eats four pieces*

   Show everyone what you're made of...with your clothes on.

   I wonder if werewolves in london howl with a proper accent

   If you're 40 and still wearing your high school grad ring......um...no.

   Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do...

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my p eni$."

   I'm not Unemployed, I'm just taking my next job's vacation in advance...

   getting drunk on Saturday is like going to work on Monday. Its just something you have too do.

   My gym is already closed, so I guess I have to drink the weight off tonight.