Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apple is coming out with a 60 inch flat screen, and now I have to explain to my son why community college is good enough.

   One good thing about Twitter is that it keeps all annoying people away from Facebook.

   I'll go back to FB when they replace that "poke" button with a "spank" button.

   B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.

   While Everyone Was Kung Fu Fighting, I went out and bought a gun.

   Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn't live in glass houses.

   If I ever fall onto the bar stool next to you and give you an exaggerated wink and a Fat Albert "Hey hey hey!", rest assured you got hit on.

   BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong Un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: Obama causing problems with North Korea

   Bet if a gunman opened fire while Obama was onstage yesterday....he would use them as human shields!! Kinda like he is doing now!!

   You know it's getting warmer out when the sales for women's razors goes up 200%.

   Just admit when you're wrong, people will respect you so much more for it

   Any woman can find a problem and complain about it, but great women know how to fix them.

   If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located

   Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?

   Any time I listen to Charles Barkley commentate, I struggle to determine if he is talking about a basketball game or the lunch crowd at Burger King.

   This just in..... 2 white males in shootout in Atlanta

   I have been thoroughly researching the native Potatoes of Couch and have become part of their tribe.

   Kevin Ware will be signing autographs at ihop tomorrow.

   On Twitter, I keep seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead. Just to clarify, Cher isn't dead....

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.