Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you related to Yoda? 'Cause Yodalicious!

   I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but... I'm Batman.

   Doctor: "In order to find out exactly what's wrong, you'll need to see the nurse and have a blood test." " Alright," I said, "How long will that take?" "About a week." he replied. "A week with your nurse sounds Ok" I said, "But how much damn

   I don't always hit women, but when I do....it's to smack it, flip it and rub it down.

   Seriously. Don't you just love it when someone hits you up on facebook chat and your WiFi goes out?

   I have a great name for a dating site which pretty much sums the whole thing up in a nutshell...Desperate Losers.

   If we took all of the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be a poor family with dysentery watching their oxen die.

   Anyone got a hand basket? I gotta go somewhere.

   Sometimes I like to order my food "to go" then eat the whole thing at the counter while staring the cashier right in the eye

   I just launched a new fragrance ! - a great way to announce a fart

   New diet idea. Have someone break your heart.....don't eat for 3 months

   I wonder if Chinese people put smileys like this ¦)

   if crackheads smoked meth, they'd be methheads... duh.

   Shout out to pizza for giving me shin splints... Indirectly, but still.

   Good News! We just got our taxes done and we'll be getting a refund! It should be just enough to pay for getting our taxes done! ツ

   For all those gals that say, "All guys are the same": who told you to try them all..

   Pollen count is so bad this year....the crackheads are trying to convert their meth back to sudafed

   If I ain't invited to dinner I could care less about what you made!

   people who text hey and then say nothing after you respond are seriously demented

   it's better to lose a lover than to love a loser