Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.

   i cant decide between American Idol, DWTS, THe Voice or chopping my nuts off with the hedge trimmers.....

   *REMEMBER ...Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

   Looks like Mother Nature is pulling Winter's Band-Aid off one hair at a time!

   Ladies.. Don't send a ;) face to us unless you want the D.

   Sorry I'm so late. I saw two sloths having sex at the zoo and spent the last seven weeks watching them.

   The movie scarface is actually a remake of the 1932 classic movie, scarface! So stop bit*hing about the planned 2014 remake.

   *Breaking News: North Korea's scientists claim to have developed a time machine. Translation: They figured out how to make a clock.

   Toilet: For the sh*t that comes out of your a$$ facebook/Twitter: For the sh*t that comes out of your brain

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   I would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents.

   The only difference between sanity and insanity is someone else's opinion.

   When Kanye and Kim finally break up - does that automatically put her back on the Black market? Asking for Lil Wayne.

   The nice thing about dating a girl who has 3 dogs, 3 cats and a horse, is that she is already accustomed to the smells and animal-like behavior.

   I tried................... But I can't watch even 5 minutes of "Meet The Depressed" or "This Bleak with George Stephanopoulos".....

   Im too lazy too be fake. Being real takes alot less effort, I dont have to do anything besides be myself.

   Keep the dream alive.....Hit the snooze button 6 times

   You can stay, but your morals have to go!

   We should have known we were doomed as a race when people started buying ready-grated cheese.

   Of course I have real friends. They're named beer, whiskey, and vodka.