Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can never invite the neighbors into my house because they might recognize their stuff.

   RECYCLING RULE 101: if no one saw what clothes you were wearing today, its totally fine to wear them again tomorrow.

   it's so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.

   "I had one stuffy nostril and one runny nostril..." is how I'm starting tonights suicide note

   Perpetually looking for things I misplaced.

   "I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.

   The wind just blew a plactic bag away from me at this table and down the sidewalk. "That one's on you, Mother Earth."

   Pollen? Web MD says I have Funky Cold Medina.

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   Your girlfriend will blow you once she sees her sister do it.

   Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

   I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions. Imagine all the PayPal...

   Orlando: The next spic ruined part of Florida.

   I don't like it when peoples toes look too fat for their toe nails. Sick.

   I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

   I will not only make you say my name, I will also make you spell it!

   I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

   I bet the man who discovered milk felt awkward when he had to explain why he was doing that to a cow in the first place...

   it sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice all over your fries..

   nothing makes you a hypocrite like becoming a parent...