Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing I remember about being born was getting circumsised. It hurt so bad I couldn't walk for a year.

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

   My conservative friend had blood dripping from his mouth. I asked him if he's ok and he said "don't worry about it, my sister's in her period"

   Every time I do a good deed, something bad happens.

   Tonight I've used Brasso and leather soap! I imagine I smell like Joan Collins.

   Good things are free; bad things are also free.

   Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, You couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure..

   If you can't tell the difference between Digorno and delivery, you probably can't tell the difference between jacking off and poon tang...

   The irony, I was conceived on a pull out couch...

   a man was just arrested for having sex with a woman in exchange for food. He was charged with dating.

   80s music brings me back to good times like when I didn't exist.

   If you feel you 'have nobody to blame but yourself' you're not trying hard enough. I can always find someone to pin it on.

   You know you have a good plate of nachos when you rotate the plate a few times and still can't figure out where to start eating them from

   When you have an old girlfriend call asking for money for an alternator for her new boyfriend's car, you realize you need to upgrade your choices in women.

   If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   The only difference between Mcdonald's and my work is Mcdonald's has only got one clown running the show..

   Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money?

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.

   How can you tell if someone at work drives a hybrid? Don't worry, they'll tell you 5 times a day...