Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dropped my cell phone in water. I dried it out in a bag of Uncle Ben's. He stole my minutes.

   He stopped loving her today. RIP George Jones

   I'm a cat and when I smoke pot I gain the ability to type for 60 secmeow meow meow.

   I don't do the "walk if shame", I do the "stride if pride!"

   Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!

   Looks aren't everything but they sure are a lot.

   We r so poor, We are taking our vacation on Google Street View this year.....

   I found handcuffs in one of my sister's drawers. Why would she not tell me she's a cop?

   My dogs are giving me the look. The look that says “we saw the empty wine bottles and we know that we have to walk you tonight instead.”

   I'm even late for work when I work from home

   My life feels like I'm constantly waiting while it's buffering

   People are always on the verge of telling everyone they’re on the verge of something.

   And with the 6th pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Robert Denton ESQ, Defense attorney, Harvard.

   My walk of shame is actually an escape plan.

   Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I'm older than the Internet.

   I find it weird that we still use animals for product testing when there are at least 37 million Bieber fans out there.

   Get Twisted...Happy National Pretzel Day!

   Really no offense ladies,but why do all of you go on about your weight..then post all this food that would clog and artery...

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   When I die, the best tombstone I can hope for is "He was an ass hole, but he was a funny ass hole."