Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silently texting about their crappy Saturday and never make friends with each other

   If HR made employees settle their disputes with public dance-offs, everyone would try a lot harder to get along.

   I'm learning how to let things go, one throat at a time.

   The back of every furniture assembly manual should have a coupon for couples counseling.

   Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?

   Sometimes I think the human race would benefit greatly from natural selection (survival of the fittest).

   For how long are we going to ignore the problem of overpopulation on this planet as access to resources and jobs becomes harder and harder by the day?

   t's not about dieting, it's changing eating habits forever. — Chaz Bono

   Today, I realised that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.

   Together,, I can beat schizophrenia

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013.

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   I never said I wanted to be around for a long time. I always said I wanted to be here for a good time.

   How do we know who really won the Chinese Civil War?

   I've got tickets to see that new Irish rapper. Jay Zus

   No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

   Remember when you ordered from Columbia House... the first 5 times?

   When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'

   At the hospital, I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof