Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People - the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.

   Its trash pick up day tomorrow and my dumb neighbor forgot to take out my mother-n-law!!!! Now i've gotta dump trash all over his yard again!

   Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk, but only one of them knows about it.

   ,,Bland salad,,,,, that needs adressing,!!

   While you're ignoring that someone special, someone else is grabbing their attention.

   Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

   Setting up a Facebook account for your unborn child should be considered child abuse.

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.

   69 is the kamikaze of oral sex .. If I'm going down you're coming with me.

   This is from a greedy single, " Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married. "

   "I eat what I want and never get fat" - people I hate

   It was only a good night if you still have your wallet, phone and watch the next morning.

   Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

   Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married.

   How to get rid of an erection. 1. Kirsten Dunst nudes. 2. Kirsten Dunst. 3. Actress who played Mary Jane Watson...

   My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the 'praying mantis' position and she tore my head off

   If you caught a terrorist the same week of his crime instead of using it as a pretext to invade two countries, You Just Pulled An Obama

   When in the middle of an argument shut her up by kissing her. Unless it’s a teller at your bank, then she just calls for security.

   I’m using Internet explorer. I need some help from you guys good with computers. How does one send a smoke signal using this thing?

   Joyce, the office slut, just sneezed and now we all have to take a mandatory HIV test on Monday :(