Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   If I ever find out who keeps Photoshoping that Channing Tatum loser's head on my body... I'M SUING!

   More is better than less because if there's more less stuff, then you might want to have some more. And your parents won't let you because there's only a little. If you really like something, you'll want more of it. We want more, we want more. You really

   There needs to be a bar that delivers alcohol so they can reduce Getting arrested

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   What idiot named them diet pillz instead of girth control?

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   I like to think of items outside the grocery store as the "Steal it. We don't give a crap anymore" section.

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

   The way US governments is running, I wonder how many taxes and permits would he have to get, If Noah was called up to build a boat in the 2013,.....

   Okay KFC we get it , You have a boneless chicken product , ABOUT time , since EVERY other fast food restaurant has had them since the dawn of time ! Please stop the "I ate the bones" campaign....Thanks

   It's amazing how students become so serious and focused during final exams week

   I broke up with my GF when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!?!

   I didn't mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.

   Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you've built in your head?