Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.

   used to arrive fashionably late to parties until he realized it didn't matter because the party only starts when he arrives.

   It's not gay if you forgot your safe word.

   I swear when black girls wear green contacts they look like a walking xbox

   Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his p*ssy.

   if you’ve ever had a crush on me god bless your poor misguided heart.

   Dear Liver, The drinking will continue until your attitude improves.

   I got a little over-aggressive on the trampoline so my 2 year old should be landing in a couple of minutes.

   I said I don't want to talk to you, I didn't say ignore me. - WOMEN

   "May the 4th" be with you!

   I had fanasy;s about the female voice in my head. She is Pregnant, Great I have to pay child support for the next 18 years.

   Nothing says I'm cool quite like the sound of Velcro ripping apart.

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   I just cut my lip on an Oreo. Well it was 3 Oreos. At the same time.

   Keeping a kayak on the top of your car is a great way to say “I’m outdoorsy, yet douchey

   Pitching tents in your pants doesn't mean you're outdoorsy.

   Always take a homeless person with you when you go camping.They're outdoorsy, work for food. & you can leave them anywhere you want to.

   "MORNING!" "MORNING!" "HEY!" "YO!" "NICE DAY!" "YEAH!" "I LIKE SEEDS!" "ME TOO!" "I HATE CATS!" "SO DO I!" - birds at 4:30 am