Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   Oh no Chris from Kriss Kross died... You know the 90's rap duo that wore their clothes backwards.... I guess it's down to only Kross Dressing. That's wikkity wikkity wikkity wack!

   I'm learning Spanish! Lesson 1 is pronunciation. So far I know "huh", "I'm sorry what" & "Can you say that again please"

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   If I ever find out who keeps Photoshoping that Channing Tatum loser's head on my body... I'M SUING!

   More is better than less because if there's more less stuff, then you might want to have some more. And your parents won't let you because there's only a little. If you really like something, you'll want more of it. We want more, we want more. You really

   There needs to be a bar that delivers alcohol so they can reduce Getting arrested

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   What idiot named them diet pillz instead of girth control?

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   I like to think of items outside the grocery store as the "Steal it. We don't give a crap anymore" section.

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

   The way US governments is running, I wonder how many taxes and permits would he have to get, If Noah was called up to build a boat in the 2013,.....