Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".

   You have to get along with everybody. You're out-numbered.

   7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   If life is a b*tch then make sure yours is a good looking one!

   People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.

   5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.

   And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Kanye West, Kim Kadarshian and Internet Explorer, I would shoot Internet Explorer twice.

   Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.

   Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?

   I wish this weather would make up its mind. I don't know if it's safe to shave my pubes or not...

   I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

   "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."

   Some people can judge a beer by just a sip but it takes me the whole glass.

   How come KFC doesn't have any women say "I ate the bone"??

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking wine while doing it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

   The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.

   I don't blame myself for getting lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.