Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is weird. You can go from being strangers. To being friends. To being more than friends. To being pratically strangers again.

   Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

   Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.

   My ex has a new boyfriend and I’m glad. I mean I want her to be happy. As long as I’m happier and she knows that.

   Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

   Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.

   I guess it's "No Pull Out" season. Almost every chick on Facebook is pregnant.

   Dear those people who use their cellphones as a personal stereo in public, stop it. Sincerely, Everybody

   Did you know you that you don’t have to put every meal you eat on Instagram? You can just eat it.

   The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.

   Mmm-Kay,,, The recipe said "turn the oven to 180 degrees," so I did... But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   My signature move is walking past all the ladies in the gym with my chest puffed out before using all of the exercise equipment incorrectly.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   You shouls say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   Holding someone accountable is a form of love, too.

   I think Taylor Swift should walk in while Kim Kardashian is in labor and say “Hey, Kanye, I know you’re having a baby and all, but I just wanted to say that Beyoncé had the best baby of all time!"

   looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...