Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.

   Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It's a free country really.

   guess how many people gave up looking for work and started selling heroin.

   Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person says: hi

   When a woman says "I have my reasons". What she really means is "I don't need a reason I'm a woman".

   Top tip: Cereal is less fattening if you don't butter it.

   maybe vodka is addicted to ME

   Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.

   Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"

   I would've never gotten married if I'd known there would be chores.

   When I'm bored I like to put on my red polo shirt and khakis, then storm into the nearest Target and quit.

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   I was walking down the street and saw a ugly pregnant lady and I though ... Good for you !

   I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.

   I'm gonna fill a piñata with actual animal guts ! That's what I call a surprise party kids !

   I knew a girl once who though she was a tease! But she wasn't good looking enough so she was just annoying !

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   I don't know what the big deal is about Cinco De Mayo, Heck my Grandma can beat the French

   why dont the makers of bath tubs make them with slip proof grip

   Cinco De Mayo is just a remind a bunch of Mexicans kicked the French's behind in 1862!