Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im so lonely, I go to the airport just for the pat-downs.

   There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   With summer comes in tents sex.

   Jodi you should have went to Casy Anthony's "how to get away with murder" seminar

   I had a dream that I killed all of the shirtless guys with their own swag...and their duckface girlfriends....I call it the YOLOcaust.

   I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...

   show me the benefits part and THEN i'll let you know if we can be friends

   I'm not as random as you think I Salad.

   For Mother's Day I'm getting my mom a camera that will allow her to take less than 45 minutes to take a picture. If they make one...

   can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system

   Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...

   ***BREAKING*** Jodi Arias found GUILTY of 1st Degree Murder, Now lets find them 3 kidnapping brothers guilty too!

   I need a break is the new I'd rather not ever speak with you again.

   my stomach growled and made the exact noise a dodgeball makes when bouncing off the fat kid.

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   Like-A-Good-Neighbor-Charles-Ramsey-Is-There... with SALSA MUSIC!!! ...and RIBS!!!!

   All day I've been getting calls from the number "1"... I finally answered it and NO ONE was there.

   I wish I could of been locked up in a basement for 10 years. I could of missed Jersey Shore and that whole Bieber Fever thing!!