Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a difference between antisocial and antistupid.

   I heard Cobras dance to music so I played some Justin Bieber for my pet Cobra and he bit himself and died.

   First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club

   A frat house installs a retractible ceiling. “We just can't get enough Natural Light,” says its president. They hi-five for 6 straight hours

   Ever sat in the bus next to a stranger who smells so nice you just couldn't stop licking her neck?

   Adobe Reader should just watch the news like the rest of us for regular updates.

   Girl, you must be a terrorist cause you're making my package suspicious.

   I love my wife so much that I use c ondom with other girls.

   It’s amazing how much a woman can accomplish without even putting her purse down.

   One night stand from 6 years ago just looked me up on facebook & wants to know "whats new?" How do I respond guys?

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   i must be old school, I prefer 720p to 1080p.

   New Pick-Up Line for Guys: "Let's watch Scandal together."

   I watch Grey's Anatomy every week. I am now a qualified surgeon. Please PM me for an appointment.

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

   I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I see, ugly is the new hot!

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.