Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some hot girl just winked at me with both eyes at the same time. It means she finds me twice as attractive right guys?

   I'm white, but not "says yes indeedy" white. No siree Bob!

   Okay ladies, these charges aren't going to press themselves...

   scientific studies have shown that I hate you

   I play with my hair because I have no balls.

   When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture.This will be the photo plastered allover the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.

   I Say: A Joke is like s*x. Not good if you don't get it

   Im not saying you are a $lut but you were fired from the $perm bank for drinking on the job.......

   A fun thing to do to a friend that was drinking and driving is to put a sneaker on the windshield wiper the next morning.

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   Seeing my ex with a new guy doesnt upset me.. My mother taught me at a young age to give me used toys to the less fortunate.

   I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the batch of cinnamon rolls in the oven!

   No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"