Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opposites attract. Then they get divorced.

   The sins of some are the pleasures of others.

   Reverse cowgirl or as I like to call it: Damn woman, you forgot to wipe!

   do FB users in Australia have Mates??

   Marriage is like prison except the food is better and your cellmate never changes.

   Give me freedom or give me marriage.

   I've been sleeping at my desk for the past two weeks. ...I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   Better late than ever definantly applies to your menstrual cycle.

   If Steve Harvey managed to lose his oversized suits, then there is hope for you too to become a better person.

   JAB, I had a nightmare I was a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. That's one dream I was glad to wake up from, I'm still laughing. Go Bruins. . .

   My career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer

   Someone walked up to me today and handed me a bible. So I flipped it open and autographed it. As I handed it back to the lady (who looked very confused), I smiled and said.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   Angelina Jolie getting a double mastectomy to reduce the risk of breast cancer is like me cutting my junk off because I might bet blue balls

   "Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States

   "You have sexy calves." -Pedophile bull

   Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, your's probably isn't born yet.

   If you can't handle me on Facebook then you definitely don't deserve me at my best! Wait...this is my best!!! Guys, please love me.

   Stages of Status Updating: 1. Whatever. 2. Good for waiting rooms. 3. Pulled over at the side of the road so you don't forget a great status update.

   I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.

   "I don't wanna go there, We should never go there". - Fat people singing about the gym.