Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unemployment is down, deficit shrinking, home values up, stock market thru the roof…so the right needs to make up some Scandals!!

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.

   Facebook...making people argue about their posts/photos since 2004...

   Dear you who is reading this: "Okay, Now lets take a minute to look back! I meant look behind you. Okay now you can look at your screen." -sincerely crazy stalker

   I once tried to sell my soul to the devil... But he said it was too dark and rotten to be of any use to him. The best offer he could make was some broken glass and a Milli Vanilli cassette. I took the deal, because hey... Milli Vanilli!

   Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."

   Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy.

   There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and any single woman who owns more than 2 cats.

   Girls named Alice stopped being made 35 years ago.

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   Ladies, if what you did to him cannot be fixed with a blow job then I suggest you better start looking for a new boyfriend.

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   Babe I'm Pregnant" Guys be like: ♕ KEEP CALM I'll HELP YOU FIND THE FATHER

   Hardware Sign: You can always find something in here to take home and screw or bang..

   Next time you see a harmless bug, let it live. I have this crazy belief that living things should stay alive.

   The way your kid acts in public is a reflection of you as a parent.

   I respect rattlesnakes. At least they have the decency to warn you before they murder you.

   Growing up is basically moving yourself from a state of blissful ignorance to one of agonizing awareness.