Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice......... I treat mine like a wh0reh0use above a liquor store next to a 24 hr Taco Bell.

   More social media's please.............. I have 20 min of real life to ignore

   We all should pee slow and sporadic tonight in honor of Dick Trickle.... RIP

   When you are talking to an invisible man in the sky, you are either A) on drugs Or B) at church

   I want to see that KFC commercial, but with Hannibal Lecter in it screaming "I ATE THE BONES"!!

   If you had told me 30 years ago that I'd be talking to strangers on the Internet all day, I woulda told you to shut up and pack another bowl....

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   has found that the best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.

   When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??

   My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   Even a bed of roses has thorns!

   Can you guys just make me famous so I don’t have to work anymore.

   Breaking: President Obama says his favorite musical group is Scandal

   I am sure besides liking your own p 0sts, you also enjoy licking your own balls.

   Miley Cyrus named #1 in the Maxim Hot 100 list??? Its been a few years since my subscription expired, but when did Maxim become a magazie for gays?

   If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

   When I see someone in the 20 items or less lane, who's buggy contains over 50 items, I'm often tempted to reach and throw each and every item as far as humanly possible while counting aloud, each one!

   how do I break this vicious cycle of paying my own way and get free $hit from the gov't??

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...