Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally washed his jeans wit his weed still in his pocket

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   If Downward Doggystyle counts, then yes, I do yoga.

   Baby name suggestions for Beyonce & Jay-Z: Red Vine? Yellow Daisy? Green Grass? Pink Pansy?

   Men, if you think you've figured women out, just try to explain how the song "You're So Vein" isn't about him...

   Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question

   Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts

   No one will ever love you as much as your dog loves your stinky feet

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally dropped his 2nd Reese's cup in the dirt.

   I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.

   Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.

   Can't we all just get a bong?

   The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.

   If you can't out run your problems run towards them and destroy them.

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   wants to meet that hot brunette in that Christian Singles ad on the Facebook intro page :)

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   I wish I was the person that got to choose what posts go on the wall.If you make me spit my coffee from laughing then you made it : )

   Sometimes when I have contractors come over to work at my house I feel like giving them a tip. But then I stop and think...why stop at just the "tip"?

   I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.