Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry to say, I won't be on Facebook anymore,.....see there's this ticket that I played today, and long story short....I've got to go change my identity now! Bye!

   Alice on Facebook thinks getting dumped is the most painful thing ever. You’ve never caught you d*ck in your zipper, so shut up, Alice.

   People with big chins are probably really good at folding towels and blankets.

   Eventually we'll have to explain to our grandchildren how we allowed Gangnam Style to become the most watched video and it won't be easy.

   I should should just move into a bar. It would save me a lot of time plus I’m always at one anyway.

   I'm in a very serious relationship, we don't even smile.

   It’s cute how some people hide the fact that their uncle inappropriately touched them as kids by starting fights with strangers online.

   Saw a girl at Starbucks with a duck face. Felt bad because I left my bread crumbs at home.

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   Sunday morning, somewhere a Pastor practices his sermon face then gives himself a quick wink in the mirror.

   Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.

   My best friend in Florida won the power 540 million power ball....Okay, I haven't actually met him yet but I am sure we will be the best friends forever.

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   Please pray that Jamie Lee Curtis finally eats enough goddamn yogurt that she poops

   If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and cats always land feet first, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?

   Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.

   has some advice for the guys out there... Never put tiger balm on and then go to the bathroom.

   A Red Box, inside a McDonald's, inside a Walmart... It's like the turducken of retail.

   Every breathalyzer you take" - The "real" Police

   right behind you. And you know who you are....